Forgiveness

I know I have already mentioned forgiveness a lot. But it is because it is so important for us to be able to forgive in order to find healing. If we hold on to the hate and bitterness it will destroy us. We can never experience happiness while holding on to such damaging feelings. I know how hard it is to forgive someone that has caused so much hurt. I have been there time and time again. But if you find a way you will be amazed how much better you feel. When I finally forgave my dad, it was amazing. I literally felt the hand of God reach down and lift a heavy burden off of my shoulders. I didn't even know it was there. I had no idea how much of a burden I had been carrying around until it was gone.

It wasn't an easy thing for me. For two years I would pray every night that I could somehow find a way to forgive. Even though just thinking about the thought of forgiving him made me shudder, I prayed for it anyway because I knew how much my life was being destroyed by the anger and hate I had bottled up inside of me. Then , one day I came across a letter he had written to my mom. I had never been able to stand even looking at a letter he sent. But somehow, I was able to bring myself to read it. And for the first time in my life, instead of feeling hate, I felt pity. And I felt compassion. So I decided to go to the prison with my mom to visit him. It was a long drive, and the entire way there was a terrible battle going on inside of me. Part of me wanted to tell my mom to turn back. I was so scared. And I kept telling myself not to go through with it. He didn't deserve my forgiveness. But when the time came, and he was escorted into the visiting area, he broke down into tears when he saw me. And that was it. I just let all the anger go. The feeling of freedom was incredible. And while I never was able to feel comfortable around him when we visited him, I was finally at peace knowing I didn't have to carry those horrible feelings around with me any more. We learned he was dying of cancer shortly after, and a few months later he passed away. But before he died, he told one of his sisters that he could die in peace because I had forgiven him even though I didn't have to. And because I had let all of my bitterness go, I was able to truly grieve the death of my dad. Had I not been able to experience that, I probably would never have been able to heal.

For those of you that are having trouble finding a way to forgive, I just want to say don't give up. I know how hard it is. And I know you probably don't think your abuser deserves it. But you do. You deserve to finally be free. You are the one suffering the most from the bitterness and hate. And you are the only one that can change that for yourself. And I hope someday you can finally let it all go and feel the joy in life that you have needed for so long. God bless you on your road to healing.