I know I have been neglecting my blog lately but it has been for a good cause. And I thought I would share it with you. There is a young lady in California that has been through her own neglect and abuse. She has severe cerebral palsy so she is the helpless of all victims. This beautiful little girl is my step-daughter. She has been removed from the home of her guardian due to some pretty bad allegations. My heart breaks for her. So now my husband and I, along with my son and my step-son, will be traveling to California to stay indefinitely until all of the court stuff is over. Hopefully, at that time, we will be able to bring her back home with us to stay.
It is a very trying time for me and my family. If you have seen in my posts you know that it is my heart's desire to help those that have been through what my step-daughter has gone through. And knowing what I feel is best for her, yet not knowing what the actual outcome will be, just breaks my heart. This little angel with an amazing smile has been through more than anyone should ever go through. And my husband and I want so badly to bring her home where she will finally get the care and love she so desperately needs.
I talk about my faith in God a lot. And I do know that God's will will prevail, and the God's will is what is best for my step-daughter. Sometimes I forget that and worry that she will go to a home that is worse than where she came from. So it is time to give it all to God and take care of everything we can. He will take care of the rest.
I know I have already mentioned forgiveness a lot. But it is because it is so important for us to be able to forgive in order to find healing. If we hold on to the hate and bitterness it will destroy us. We can never experience happiness while holding on to such damaging feelings. I know how hard it is to forgive someone that has caused so much hurt. I have been there time and time again. But if you find a way you will be amazed how much better you feel. When I finally forgave my dad, it was amazing. I literally felt the hand of God reach down and lift a heavy burden off of my shoulders. I didn't even know it was there. I had no idea how much of a burden I had been carrying around until it was gone.
It wasn't an easy thing for me. For two years I would pray every night that I could somehow find a way to forgive. Even though just thinking about the thought of forgiving him made me shudder, I prayed for it anyway because I knew how much my life was being destroyed by the anger and hate I had bottled up inside of me. Then , one day I came across a letter he had written to my mom. I had never been able to stand even looking at a letter he sent. But somehow, I was able to bring myself to read it. And for the first time in my life, instead of feeling hate, I felt pity. And I felt compassion. So I decided to go to the prison with my mom to visit him. It was a long drive, and the entire way there was a terrible battle going on inside of me. Part of me wanted to tell my mom to turn back. I was so scared. And I kept telling myself not to go through with it. He didn't deserve my forgiveness. But when the time came, and he was escorted into the visiting area, he broke down into tears when he saw me. And that was it. I just let all the anger go. The feeling of freedom was incredible. And while I never was able to feel comfortable around him when we visited him, I was finally at peace knowing I didn't have to carry those horrible feelings around with me any more. We learned he was dying of cancer shortly after, and a few months later he passed away. But before he died, he told one of his sisters that he could die in peace because I had forgiven him even though I didn't have to. And because I had let all of my bitterness go, I was able to truly grieve the death of my dad. Had I not been able to experience that, I probably would never have been able to heal.
For those of you that are having trouble finding a way to forgive, I just want to say don't give up. I know how hard it is. And I know you probably don't think your abuser deserves it. But you do. You deserve to finally be free. You are the one suffering the most from the bitterness and hate. And you are the only one that can change that for yourself. And I hope someday you can finally let it all go and feel the joy in life that you have needed for so long. God bless you on your road to healing.
It wasn't an easy thing for me. For two years I would pray every night that I could somehow find a way to forgive. Even though just thinking about the thought of forgiving him made me shudder, I prayed for it anyway because I knew how much my life was being destroyed by the anger and hate I had bottled up inside of me. Then , one day I came across a letter he had written to my mom. I had never been able to stand even looking at a letter he sent. But somehow, I was able to bring myself to read it. And for the first time in my life, instead of feeling hate, I felt pity. And I felt compassion. So I decided to go to the prison with my mom to visit him. It was a long drive, and the entire way there was a terrible battle going on inside of me. Part of me wanted to tell my mom to turn back. I was so scared. And I kept telling myself not to go through with it. He didn't deserve my forgiveness. But when the time came, and he was escorted into the visiting area, he broke down into tears when he saw me. And that was it. I just let all the anger go. The feeling of freedom was incredible. And while I never was able to feel comfortable around him when we visited him, I was finally at peace knowing I didn't have to carry those horrible feelings around with me any more. We learned he was dying of cancer shortly after, and a few months later he passed away. But before he died, he told one of his sisters that he could die in peace because I had forgiven him even though I didn't have to. And because I had let all of my bitterness go, I was able to truly grieve the death of my dad. Had I not been able to experience that, I probably would never have been able to heal.
For those of you that are having trouble finding a way to forgive, I just want to say don't give up. I know how hard it is. And I know you probably don't think your abuser deserves it. But you do. You deserve to finally be free. You are the one suffering the most from the bitterness and hate. And you are the only one that can change that for yourself. And I hope someday you can finally let it all go and feel the joy in life that you have needed for so long. God bless you on your road to healing.
When I think about all the people out their struggling with their pain and anger from abuse they have endured it really tugs at my heart. There are so many people that have not been able to heal, and they continue in a destructive lifestyle. Some turn to drugs, prostitution, suicide, more abusive relationships, eating disorders...and I can go on and on. They continually punish themselves over something that was never their fault to begin with. But they just can't get past the anger, pain, and shame. They haven't found a way to heal.
For those of you that find yourselves in this situation, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved. You have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven that wants to bring you healing and peace. And even though it may seem like it, he has never forsaken you. He hurts when you hurt, He is angry at the injustices you have endured, and He cries when you cry. He has been with you all along. And He just wants to offer you His love. But because of the loving God He is, He gives us free will to make our own decisions. And unfortunately, some people make decisions that hurt others. And He sees that, and He is angry. He is angry that someone could hurt His precious child the way they hurt you. And He will bring justice in His own time. If they don't take responsibility here on this earth, they will still have to stand before their Creator one day and answer for what they have done. Please, accept His love, and let Him help you change your life. And He will bless you and fill your life with joy.
For those of you that don't believe in God, know that you are loved and valuable. And those of us that have been through the healing process are here, waiting to show you love and support so you can find the healing you need.
For those of you that find yourselves in this situation, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved. You have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven that wants to bring you healing and peace. And even though it may seem like it, he has never forsaken you. He hurts when you hurt, He is angry at the injustices you have endured, and He cries when you cry. He has been with you all along. And He just wants to offer you His love. But because of the loving God He is, He gives us free will to make our own decisions. And unfortunately, some people make decisions that hurt others. And He sees that, and He is angry. He is angry that someone could hurt His precious child the way they hurt you. And He will bring justice in His own time. If they don't take responsibility here on this earth, they will still have to stand before their Creator one day and answer for what they have done. Please, accept His love, and let Him help you change your life. And He will bless you and fill your life with joy.
For those of you that don't believe in God, know that you are loved and valuable. And those of us that have been through the healing process are here, waiting to show you love and support so you can find the healing you need.
To those family members and others that were close to my dad and have visited my blog, I am truly sorry for any hurt these painful memories have caused you. Please understand that it has and never will be my intention to bring hurt or shame upon anyone. The purpose of this blog is to reach out to others that have been hurt in order to help them find the hope and healing they so desperately need. Because I know how lost I was before I was able to start my healing process.
So many of you had a great relationship with my dad. You saw a wonderful side to him. And you loved and respected him. I know, because I saw that side to him as well. But for me and my family, we saw a very different side. One that was manipulating, hateful, twisted, and evil. As much as I wish I could say that side of him never existed, I just can't. But for those of you that saw the good side of him, cherish those memories. Hold on to them. That is who he was to you. When I called the cops on him that day, I never expected anyone to stop loving him or turn their back on him. I only wanted the abuse to stop. And I know that the pain you have felt over all of this has been difficult. You have had your own healing process to go through. And for those of you who supported me in spite of your own pain and grief, words cannot express how much I thank you. If I never said it to you before I am saying it now. You have been a blessing in my life.
As far as my comments about the family members that slandered and lied about me (in my first post), I am sorry if that hurt as well. First of all, the ones that treated me this way very likely have never read my blog as I have painfully had to let them go; for my own peace and spiritual growth. The hurt they were causing was tearing me apart. But I love them and forgive them. And when they are ready to heal and move on I will be here. And if they are reading this, then I hope it will only help them to find their healing in all of this as well. Because I know that they, too, deal with their own pain and confusion from all of this. But if you are a member of my family and were concerned that I might have referred to you in any way when I made this comment, then rest assured that that is simply not the case. Because if I were referring to you, you would know. I have already confronted those that were involved in an attempt to make them see how much they were hurting me. I hoped that if I brought it to light we could grow and heal. But they still chose to close their minds and their hearts to me. And although I was devastated, I had to let go and move ahead in my life where I could heal. I love you all so much. Even those of you that I have turned away from. Please understand. God Bless every one of you.
It's so easy sometimes to get caught up in the bad things that happen to you. Especially things that robbed you of your childhood. The hard truth is that, like a lot of tragedy and pain people endure in their lives, the pain of child abuse never truly leaves you. The memories are still there and they still haunt you. The question is, do you let it keep you down. Do you allow the pattern of abuse continue in your life, whether you are abusing yourself by doing destructive things to yourself or getting involved in abusive relationships with others? Or do you find a way to grow in spite of the pain in order to better your own life so that you can then touch the lives of others?
The most helpful thing for me was to learn to start focusing on the good things in life. While it is important to use the bad things that have happened in the past as a learning tool for us to grow, it becomes unhealthy when we allow it to consume us and take over our lives. I believe that most people don't want to dwell in their past, they just haven't been able to find that way out. And they are missing the beautiful things that life has to offer. So I thought I would take a moment to list some of the things that I cherish the most.
The most obvious is my family. I wouldn't give a single moment of my time with my husband and son away. They both bring me complete joy. Although 13 is a very challenging age, I can deal with my son's moments of smart remarks and a sour attitude because the moments where we can spend time together and talk, or just his moments of silliness make it all worthwhile. And watching him grow has been the biggest blessing God can give me. And my wonderful husband couldn't make me feel more loved. Even in those times when we can irritate each other, I'm so grateful to be in a relationship that doesn't become verbally or physically abusive. Even when we are angry with each other, we don't tear each other down with words. And because of that, we never stay angry for very long.
There are so many other things that bring me joy. In case you haven't noticed, I love to write. I can express myself so much better when I put things down on paper. It just all comes out a jumbled mess when I talk. I love being out in nature. Even now as I type I am listening to the birds singing outside my window. I find all of God's creation breathtaking. Sometimes, I don't get out as much as I want to. But when I do, I cherish every moment. But most of all, I love to laugh. Even though my posts are serious, as this is a very serious and disturbing subject, I am someone that finds laughter to be one of the most therapeutic ways to heal. And I'm not talking about a little snicker here and there. I'm talking gut busting, cheeks hurting, can't breathe laughing. One thing that I cherish most about one of my sisters is that we have the ability to make each other laugh for hours while everyone looks at us like we are insane. Or they just join in even though they don't know what they are laughing at. As time moves on, and we become so involved in our own lives, those moments have become fewer and fewer. But I miss them terribly. And I hope she knows how much I cherish those moments.
But above all, the biggest blessing I am thankful for is my relationship with my awesome and loving God. After all, He is the one that has provided all the blessings I have listed here, and then some. It is through these blessings that He has helped to comfort me and provide strength to keep going. And although He never wants to see any of His children hurt, He has used the pain to help me grow stronger every day. And He has been there even when my faith was gone; to help pick me up when I felt I just couldn't go on. And I know that everything will be ok. Because my God is with me.
The most helpful thing for me was to learn to start focusing on the good things in life. While it is important to use the bad things that have happened in the past as a learning tool for us to grow, it becomes unhealthy when we allow it to consume us and take over our lives. I believe that most people don't want to dwell in their past, they just haven't been able to find that way out. And they are missing the beautiful things that life has to offer. So I thought I would take a moment to list some of the things that I cherish the most.
The most obvious is my family. I wouldn't give a single moment of my time with my husband and son away. They both bring me complete joy. Although 13 is a very challenging age, I can deal with my son's moments of smart remarks and a sour attitude because the moments where we can spend time together and talk, or just his moments of silliness make it all worthwhile. And watching him grow has been the biggest blessing God can give me. And my wonderful husband couldn't make me feel more loved. Even in those times when we can irritate each other, I'm so grateful to be in a relationship that doesn't become verbally or physically abusive. Even when we are angry with each other, we don't tear each other down with words. And because of that, we never stay angry for very long.
There are so many other things that bring me joy. In case you haven't noticed, I love to write. I can express myself so much better when I put things down on paper. It just all comes out a jumbled mess when I talk. I love being out in nature. Even now as I type I am listening to the birds singing outside my window. I find all of God's creation breathtaking. Sometimes, I don't get out as much as I want to. But when I do, I cherish every moment. But most of all, I love to laugh. Even though my posts are serious, as this is a very serious and disturbing subject, I am someone that finds laughter to be one of the most therapeutic ways to heal. And I'm not talking about a little snicker here and there. I'm talking gut busting, cheeks hurting, can't breathe laughing. One thing that I cherish most about one of my sisters is that we have the ability to make each other laugh for hours while everyone looks at us like we are insane. Or they just join in even though they don't know what they are laughing at. As time moves on, and we become so involved in our own lives, those moments have become fewer and fewer. But I miss them terribly. And I hope she knows how much I cherish those moments.
But above all, the biggest blessing I am thankful for is my relationship with my awesome and loving God. After all, He is the one that has provided all the blessings I have listed here, and then some. It is through these blessings that He has helped to comfort me and provide strength to keep going. And although He never wants to see any of His children hurt, He has used the pain to help me grow stronger every day. And He has been there even when my faith was gone; to help pick me up when I felt I just couldn't go on. And I know that everything will be ok. Because my God is with me.
Hate is one of the strongest and most damaging emotions we can have. And the more we hate someone, the more they are in control. Hate grows from pain and anger that we let build up inside of us. And if it is not dealt with, it can consume us. We can never lead the kind of lives we want if we have allowed hate to overcome us. I personally have felt the devastation that hate has dealt in my life. And I have also felt the incredible release and healing from letting that hate go. This experience has given me the drive to try to help others to let go of the bitterness and hate so that they can feel the power of forgiveness.
It is quite true that forgiveness is not there for the person that has hurt you. It is there for you. And even if the one you hate has never expressed any kind of remorse for what they have done, it is still possible to forgive. It is probably hardest to forgive when someone has hurt you and is not sorry for it. But who is the one that is going to keep hurting until you let it go? Not them. They don't care. In fact, it might give them satisfaction if they are someone that takes pleasure in watching you hurt. People like that are filled with hate and misery themselves. So the best thing to do is look upon them with pity. Try to imagine how they feel every day living with themselves? They can't be happy. So the only thing you can do is offer your forgiveness and move on. And somehow find a way to truly hope that they can overcome their own anger and hate. If you can get to the point where you can feel compassion, even when someone is behaving in the most evil manners, then the hate will start to dissipate. Not only will it feel good to just let it go, it will greatly help your self image. I can't even tell you the power in showing love and kindness to others no matter what they do to you. If you have the self confidence in yourself to know that it doesn't matter what others say and do because you know you are a good person and that you are doing the right thing, you can rise to any challenge others throw at you. There will always be people that try to push you down. But it's up to you whether you stay there or pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
It is quite true that forgiveness is not there for the person that has hurt you. It is there for you. And even if the one you hate has never expressed any kind of remorse for what they have done, it is still possible to forgive. It is probably hardest to forgive when someone has hurt you and is not sorry for it. But who is the one that is going to keep hurting until you let it go? Not them. They don't care. In fact, it might give them satisfaction if they are someone that takes pleasure in watching you hurt. People like that are filled with hate and misery themselves. So the best thing to do is look upon them with pity. Try to imagine how they feel every day living with themselves? They can't be happy. So the only thing you can do is offer your forgiveness and move on. And somehow find a way to truly hope that they can overcome their own anger and hate. If you can get to the point where you can feel compassion, even when someone is behaving in the most evil manners, then the hate will start to dissipate. Not only will it feel good to just let it go, it will greatly help your self image. I can't even tell you the power in showing love and kindness to others no matter what they do to you. If you have the self confidence in yourself to know that it doesn't matter what others say and do because you know you are a good person and that you are doing the right thing, you can rise to any challenge others throw at you. There will always be people that try to push you down. But it's up to you whether you stay there or pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
Anger is not always a bad emotion. It can be used in a positive way. Anger can prompt us to take action when we see an injustice being done. And if we use our anger positively and constructively, we can make much needed changes in our world. But anger becomes a problem when we let it consume us. We become miserable and lash out at others that are not even to blame. Because we don't know where else to direct our rage. Instead of letting our goal be to make positive changes to our situation, we become obsessed with revenge. The only way we feel we can ever get past this crippling emotion is to make the person or persons responsible for our pain pay for what they did. And if we ever do succeed on our revenge, then what? Because the fact is, the anger still won't go away. We have to find a way to overcome and control these feelings that make us lose all control of our lives.
As with the other emotions that are taking control of us, the first step to overcome is by reaching out to someone else that you trust to help you. Many people feel that it is shameful to seek professional help. They feel like others will think of them as a nut job and their pride keeps them from getting the help they need. But the truth is, someone who is able to accept that they have a problem and can take that step to get help is demonstrating a great strength. They have the strength to overcome their pride and take control of their own life. As I have said before, take baby steps. If you feel you are not ready to ask for professional help, reach out to someone you can trust. It will make a huge difference in your healing process.
If you can find a way to harness your anger and begin to use it in a positive way, it will help you more than I can express. It will boost confidence in yourself and help you in all other aspects of recovery. I have found that by expressing my anger in a way that is controlled, calm and respectful gets greater results than when I lose control of myself. And I have more confidence in myself to speak up when I witness an injustice taking place. And no, I can't change the world and I can't change what others do. But I can make a little bit of difference in my own way; and maybe soon, if others do the same, we will see our world change for the better.
As with the other emotions that are taking control of us, the first step to overcome is by reaching out to someone else that you trust to help you. Many people feel that it is shameful to seek professional help. They feel like others will think of them as a nut job and their pride keeps them from getting the help they need. But the truth is, someone who is able to accept that they have a problem and can take that step to get help is demonstrating a great strength. They have the strength to overcome their pride and take control of their own life. As I have said before, take baby steps. If you feel you are not ready to ask for professional help, reach out to someone you can trust. It will make a huge difference in your healing process.
If you can find a way to harness your anger and begin to use it in a positive way, it will help you more than I can express. It will boost confidence in yourself and help you in all other aspects of recovery. I have found that by expressing my anger in a way that is controlled, calm and respectful gets greater results than when I lose control of myself. And I have more confidence in myself to speak up when I witness an injustice taking place. And no, I can't change the world and I can't change what others do. But I can make a little bit of difference in my own way; and maybe soon, if others do the same, we will see our world change for the better.
Check out this website, guys, and tell me what you think. http://www.reformsexoffenderlaws.org/materials/10myths.php
This was my comment to them:
"As a victim of a repeat offender, your statistics and studies mean nothing to me. It is well known that sex crimes are highly under reported as it is. And an offender that has been caught once then becomes more careful and uses different techniques to silence their victims. My abuser was arrested 15 years before I came forward. And he had been abusing that whole time. He just never got caught because he had his victims under his complete control. And it took years after his death for one of his victims to finally speak about what happened to her. So your little 3 yr study just doesn't cut it. Sorry to disappoint you. And yes, there are many more stories like mine. And while I sincerely hope that these offenders do somehow overcome this evil, it is simply unacceptable that they are being let back into society to risk hurting someone else. Our children have the right to be safe and protected. As far as the offender, they have the right to fair treatment in a correctional facility for the rest of their life. I am in full support of life sentences for sex offenders. And while you guys do your little "studies", more children are being hurt."
As far as their bogus "mythbusters"..I think I speak for all those that have survived sex abuse when I say we don't need to be told something is a "myth" when we've lived it. Someone that can sit back on the outside and do "studies" and come up with completely inaccurate numbers doesn't know a thing. How on earth do these geniuses think they can come up with accurate data on something that is proven to be extremely under reported?
Ok, that's my rant for today. I would love to hear what you guys think.
This was my comment to them:
"As a victim of a repeat offender, your statistics and studies mean nothing to me. It is well known that sex crimes are highly under reported as it is. And an offender that has been caught once then becomes more careful and uses different techniques to silence their victims. My abuser was arrested 15 years before I came forward. And he had been abusing that whole time. He just never got caught because he had his victims under his complete control. And it took years after his death for one of his victims to finally speak about what happened to her. So your little 3 yr study just doesn't cut it. Sorry to disappoint you. And yes, there are many more stories like mine. And while I sincerely hope that these offenders do somehow overcome this evil, it is simply unacceptable that they are being let back into society to risk hurting someone else. Our children have the right to be safe and protected. As far as the offender, they have the right to fair treatment in a correctional facility for the rest of their life. I am in full support of life sentences for sex offenders. And while you guys do your little "studies", more children are being hurt."
As far as their bogus "mythbusters"..I think I speak for all those that have survived sex abuse when I say we don't need to be told something is a "myth" when we've lived it. Someone that can sit back on the outside and do "studies" and come up with completely inaccurate numbers doesn't know a thing. How on earth do these geniuses think they can come up with accurate data on something that is proven to be extremely under reported?
Ok, that's my rant for today. I would love to hear what you guys think.
Fear is one of the biggest tools an abuser uses against his victims to control and silence them. They threaten to harm them or the ones they love. They tell them no one will believe them or everyone will turn against them. The tell them that if they say anything, they will hurt their mom or their family. What a huge burden to place on a precious child! A child that should be carefree, safe, and loved. As parents, we want our children to feel safe and protected. When your child is afraid of monsters in their closet, you do everything to show them they are safe. So can you imagine what kind of monster can use fear against them in order to keep their sick secrets from coming to light?
So, as time goes on, the victims continue to live in fear. Long after the abuse has ended. Fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of letting someone too close, fear of being judged. And I could go on and on. They shut the world out, and trust no one, not even themselves. How can someone free themselves? Especially when fear is all they have ever known. They are using it to protect themselves without realizing how much they are actually destroying themselves.
If you are living in fear, try to understand that this is what your abuser wants. Because as long as you hold on to fear, he is still controlling you. And you will never have the peace and freedom you so desperately crave. The only way to get past the fear is to face it. You don't have to do it all at once. Just baby steps. The first step I would suggest is to let go of just a little of that mistrust to reach out to someone else that can help you. Whether it be family, friends, or a professional counselor. You need support. You need to be able to see that there are people out there that are good, loving, and supportive. And they want to help you. Let them. You owe yourself that chance to be free. And I personally believe that if you can conquer the fear, you can conquer all the other emotions that are holding you back. One at a time. Don't let your abuser win anymore. It's time to hold your head up, look him in the eye, and give him the message that you are strong, and you will not let him destroy your happiness for another minute. This is your life. You deserve to control it. Once you are able to take those steps to free yourself, the feeling of empowerment is incredible. And I know you won't want to go back.
So, as time goes on, the victims continue to live in fear. Long after the abuse has ended. Fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of letting someone too close, fear of being judged. And I could go on and on. They shut the world out, and trust no one, not even themselves. How can someone free themselves? Especially when fear is all they have ever known. They are using it to protect themselves without realizing how much they are actually destroying themselves.
If you are living in fear, try to understand that this is what your abuser wants. Because as long as you hold on to fear, he is still controlling you. And you will never have the peace and freedom you so desperately crave. The only way to get past the fear is to face it. You don't have to do it all at once. Just baby steps. The first step I would suggest is to let go of just a little of that mistrust to reach out to someone else that can help you. Whether it be family, friends, or a professional counselor. You need support. You need to be able to see that there are people out there that are good, loving, and supportive. And they want to help you. Let them. You owe yourself that chance to be free. And I personally believe that if you can conquer the fear, you can conquer all the other emotions that are holding you back. One at a time. Don't let your abuser win anymore. It's time to hold your head up, look him in the eye, and give him the message that you are strong, and you will not let him destroy your happiness for another minute. This is your life. You deserve to control it. Once you are able to take those steps to free yourself, the feeling of empowerment is incredible. And I know you won't want to go back.
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