Blame

One thing that I was thinking about today that is never helpful - and even causes more harm - is the tendency to blame others when someone is hurt through any kind of abuse, especially sexual abuse. I am even guilty of it. When we hear about a child being harmed by someone close to the child, we tend to start wondering where all the other adults were. If the dad or other male figure is the abuser, people wonder where the mom was and why didn't the mom do anything to stop the abuse. In some cases, where the abuse is obvious, this is a good question. While many times the other parent is being controlled and abused themselves, they are the only ones that can protect the child and it seems to others that they dropped the ball.

Here's the thing: sometimes there is no way for the others to know. This is especially true in cases of sex abuse. The perpetrator conditions the victim by manipulating them into silence. It can come in different forms such as threats to the victim or the victim's loved ones. They also use guilt and shame. With my abuser, he told me that if I told it would destroy my family. It would especially destroy my mom. My mom - who is an amazing person and wonderful mother - meant the world to me. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her. There was no way for her or anyone else to know what was going on. I never blamed her. At times, she blamed herself but we have had many conversations and she knows she is not to blame. She also knows I would never burden her with feeling the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders. Still, others over the years have asked me from time to time why she didn't do anything to stop it. I am quick to defend her and when I explain that she could not have known and how she stood by my side when she did find out, they understand.

I just really want to stress that when someone comes forward with the truth after enduring abuse, they need to be able to trust and lean on the ones closest to them. Just as other families need that support as well. It is devastating to everyone involved. By blaming and tearing down those very people that the victim loves and reaches out to for support, you cause way more harm than good. Hold the perpetrator accountable and leave it at that. There is no need to tear down and criticize others who had nothing to do with it.

Another thing I have seen is that there are loved ones that blame themselves. That is not good, either. I have had someone close to me tell me on more than one occasion that she wished she knew so she could have protected me. The fact is, you didn't know. There was nothing you could have said or done to change that. I would not have talked about it until the moment I was ready. The same goes for anyone else going through that kind of abuse. If you tear yourself down by feeling guilty and blaming yourself, you are not helping anyone. I have noticed that many of my loved ones have held onto the pain of what my abuser did a lot longer than I did for this very reason. Let yourself off the hook. You're only crime is loving and trusting someone you should've been able to love and trust. Give it to God and let Him heal you.

Bottom line: the only one that needs to be held accountable is the abuser. Now, I understand there are situations where others know what is going on and don't do anything about it or try to cover up for the perpetrator. Those people then become parties to the crime and yes, should be held accountable. Let's all just learn how to discern where it is appropriate to hold someone accountable and where we need to give others a break.

God bless and thanks for reading!!

STOP IT, ALREADY!!

Ok - this post is for all of you that know someone that has been through sex abuse. I need for you to listen closely. Are you telling your loved one and others that their abusers ruined their lives? Are you telling them they don't have to forgive? Are you encouraging them to hold onto hate and anger? STOP!!!! NOW!!! You may mean well but you have no idea the damage you are causing! You are holding them back from their healing process that they desperately need! I don't mean to be harsh but it seems this is the mindset of society and it needs to change!

First of all, what kind of message do you think you are sending when you say that the lives of those who have been sexually abused are ruined? Do you not know the power of words? The youngest ones especially will believe that and live their lives as though they are ruined - damaged goods! Yes - there will be scars! Yes - what happened to them is inexcusable, unacceptable, and life-altering! But the last thing they need to do is to think that somehow they are damaged or less of a person because of what happened to them. My attitude is that NO ONE can ruin my life! I will defy anyone who tries to tell me otherwise!! I am strong, confident, and courageous! There are so many beautiful things in life that I would miss if I lived my life in self-pity thinking my life is ruined!!

As far as forgiveness is concerned, you are right. They don't have to forgive. Unless they want peace and healing in their lives. If they do, then yes, they most certainly need to forgive!! Seriously?!? Why do people talk so much about the importance of forgiveness but when it comes to sex abuse all of a sudden it's not so important? Really?!? Knock it off, guys! If you want your loved ones to heal, encourage forgiveness! It will never make what happened to them okay. But it will promote healing and bring peace! Holding onto the hate and anger only keeps the abuser in control. It's as if they are being violated over and over again. Is that what you want for them?

I really felt compelled to write this because I keep hearing these statements over and over again from people that mean well. This issue is becoming more and more of a problem. We have to realize how powerful our words are and how important healing is so we can all work together to come up with solutions. So many people are being hurt by sex abuse. This needs to be handled appropriately by families and communities so that we can start making sure people are getting the healing they need and this epidemic in this country is stopped. ASAP!!!