Blame

One thing that I was thinking about today that is never helpful - and even causes more harm - is the tendency to blame others when someone is hurt through any kind of abuse, especially sexual abuse. I am even guilty of it. When we hear about a child being harmed by someone close to the child, we tend to start wondering where all the other adults were. If the dad or other male figure is the abuser, people wonder where the mom was and why didn't the mom do anything to stop the abuse. In some cases, where the abuse is obvious, this is a good question. While many times the other parent is being controlled and abused themselves, they are the only ones that can protect the child and it seems to others that they dropped the ball.

Here's the thing: sometimes there is no way for the others to know. This is especially true in cases of sex abuse. The perpetrator conditions the victim by manipulating them into silence. It can come in different forms such as threats to the victim or the victim's loved ones. They also use guilt and shame. With my abuser, he told me that if I told it would destroy my family. It would especially destroy my mom. My mom - who is an amazing person and wonderful mother - meant the world to me. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her. There was no way for her or anyone else to know what was going on. I never blamed her. At times, she blamed herself but we have had many conversations and she knows she is not to blame. She also knows I would never burden her with feeling the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders. Still, others over the years have asked me from time to time why she didn't do anything to stop it. I am quick to defend her and when I explain that she could not have known and how she stood by my side when she did find out, they understand.

I just really want to stress that when someone comes forward with the truth after enduring abuse, they need to be able to trust and lean on the ones closest to them. Just as other families need that support as well. It is devastating to everyone involved. By blaming and tearing down those very people that the victim loves and reaches out to for support, you cause way more harm than good. Hold the perpetrator accountable and leave it at that. There is no need to tear down and criticize others who had nothing to do with it.

Another thing I have seen is that there are loved ones that blame themselves. That is not good, either. I have had someone close to me tell me on more than one occasion that she wished she knew so she could have protected me. The fact is, you didn't know. There was nothing you could have said or done to change that. I would not have talked about it until the moment I was ready. The same goes for anyone else going through that kind of abuse. If you tear yourself down by feeling guilty and blaming yourself, you are not helping anyone. I have noticed that many of my loved ones have held onto the pain of what my abuser did a lot longer than I did for this very reason. Let yourself off the hook. You're only crime is loving and trusting someone you should've been able to love and trust. Give it to God and let Him heal you.

Bottom line: the only one that needs to be held accountable is the abuser. Now, I understand there are situations where others know what is going on and don't do anything about it or try to cover up for the perpetrator. Those people then become parties to the crime and yes, should be held accountable. Let's all just learn how to discern where it is appropriate to hold someone accountable and where we need to give others a break.

God bless and thanks for reading!!

STOP IT, ALREADY!!

Ok - this post is for all of you that know someone that has been through sex abuse. I need for you to listen closely. Are you telling your loved one and others that their abusers ruined their lives? Are you telling them they don't have to forgive? Are you encouraging them to hold onto hate and anger? STOP!!!! NOW!!! You may mean well but you have no idea the damage you are causing! You are holding them back from their healing process that they desperately need! I don't mean to be harsh but it seems this is the mindset of society and it needs to change!

First of all, what kind of message do you think you are sending when you say that the lives of those who have been sexually abused are ruined? Do you not know the power of words? The youngest ones especially will believe that and live their lives as though they are ruined - damaged goods! Yes - there will be scars! Yes - what happened to them is inexcusable, unacceptable, and life-altering! But the last thing they need to do is to think that somehow they are damaged or less of a person because of what happened to them. My attitude is that NO ONE can ruin my life! I will defy anyone who tries to tell me otherwise!! I am strong, confident, and courageous! There are so many beautiful things in life that I would miss if I lived my life in self-pity thinking my life is ruined!!

As far as forgiveness is concerned, you are right. They don't have to forgive. Unless they want peace and healing in their lives. If they do, then yes, they most certainly need to forgive!! Seriously?!? Why do people talk so much about the importance of forgiveness but when it comes to sex abuse all of a sudden it's not so important? Really?!? Knock it off, guys! If you want your loved ones to heal, encourage forgiveness! It will never make what happened to them okay. But it will promote healing and bring peace! Holding onto the hate and anger only keeps the abuser in control. It's as if they are being violated over and over again. Is that what you want for them?

I really felt compelled to write this because I keep hearing these statements over and over again from people that mean well. This issue is becoming more and more of a problem. We have to realize how powerful our words are and how important healing is so we can all work together to come up with solutions. So many people are being hurt by sex abuse. This needs to be handled appropriately by families and communities so that we can start making sure people are getting the healing they need and this epidemic in this country is stopped. ASAP!!!

To My Family

I have been doing some thinking lately and it bothers me that my blog, while serving the purpose of being a light to others, can still hurt members of my family. I don't like that. I have chosen to make myself vulnerable by putting my story out there so others can benefit from it. The problem is, it makes those that were closest to my dad vulnerable, too. I'm so sorry for that. That is not what I want. I know when I go to Facebook to invite everyone to read my blog, you all can see it as well. I wish there was a way to specifically exclude certain individuals to spare them any unnecessary pain. So I want to say that you don't have to read this if it will cause you any hurt. If you do feel that you or someone you know can benefit from reading my posts, just use caution when reading my very first post on the last page or skip reading it all together. I don't want to bring up old hurts. That's not my purpose in doing this. I love you all so much!!!

HOLD ON!! THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY!!! You WILL get through this!!!

Reading through my past posts, it amazes me how much God has changed in my life and in my heart over the years. I certainly did not see things going the way they have gone. But I am so glad God had other plans! When will I learn that no matter how much I plan or think things should be a certain way, God's plan is always bigger and better!! But today I am not going to talk about the changes in my life. I just learned of a sad story that has inspired me to write about a serious topic. I hope you get something out of it.

There are so many people out there that are in a place where they feel broken and helpless. Even now, God is working and doing things in their lives that they don't even know. With so many devastating things that happen and so much loss in the world, it's easy to lose focus of that. All I can say is to just hang on. God WILL see you through. Things WILL get better. It is so heart breaking to me when I hear of people who have given up and taken their own lives. The devastation it leaves their loved ones in is tremendous. Sometime, it feels like you are getting deeper and deeper into a hole you can't get out of. But you will get out of it. This is only temporary. Seeing how much it hurts those left behind, with many of them blaming themselves, I just wish those wanting to commit suicide would just hang on a little longer. You are not alone! Seek help - please.

For those of you dealing with the pain of losing a loved one to suicide, I'm so sorry and I can't imagine how hard this is on you. Please don't blame yourself. God wants you to give Him your pain and guilt and let Him heal you! No, things will never be the same without your loved one. But God is here and waiting to wrap you in His arms!! And He will put people in your life at the right time to love you and support you. You will be okay!!

God bless all of you!!!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please be with all of those who are lost and hurting. Help them to turn to You and know that You are  working in their lives in ways they cannot see. Help them to hold onto that faith and not give up! Be with those dealing with the loss of losing someone to suicide. Wrap them in Your comfort, love, peace, and mercy. Help them to surrender it all to you and not carry the burden of blaming themselves. And help us all to be a light to each other in this broken world!

In Jesus' name, Amen.

It's Been a Long Time!!

Wow! I can't believe it's been 5 years since I last posted. Time sure flies. Life has been pretty crazy lately and so many changes! I have so much to share that has happened and ways God has changed my heart. There are some posts on here that I thought I should edit or delete because of certain changes in my life or certain things that no longer align 100% with the way I feel today. But I decided to leave everything as it is. I think it is a good thing that everyone see how I have evolved over the years.

So much has happened and I let this blog go to the wayside in the midst of it all. But God has led me back to writing it so there must be so much more to say and more lives to touch. It amazes me how we think we have grown so much yet God still reaches in and shows us areas we need to change and where we may be wrong about certain things. I am truly in awe of what God has done and continues to do. We ALL have an AMAZING Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to just allow Him to mold and guide us.

So - I am going to try to write posts as frequently as possible to get everyone caught up. The message I want to give today is this: no matter who you are or where your life is at right now - you ARE loved. You DO have people you can reach out to and talk to. God will put the right people in your life at the right time. Sometimes it means you have to make yourself a little vulnerable to someone in order to open up to them. But having someone to reach out to is so important for everyone - especially for those of us that have been through sex abuse. You don't have to deal with this alone. If you are dealing with depression, please - reach out. It is so important for you to get help. And if you really need a listening ear but feel you don't have anyone to talk to - I'm here. Comment and I will do my best to listen and give you encouraging words. Most importantly - reach out to God and allow Him to comfort and guide you to the right person/persons to help you through your difficult time. God bless!!